Another Mile Marker with “the Void”

I walked into my local grocery store and was greeted by a display of beautiful flowers. “I don’t recall seeing those here before,” I thought as I shared my admiration of the bouquets with another shopper.

I continued to shop for the few items I needed and remembered one item not on my list.  Making my way to get that item, I heard someone say, “There are a lot of Mother’s Day cards this year!”  I stopped in my tracks; frozen. A well of emotions made its way from my heart and begged to be released in a surge of tears along with a loud scream. “You better not lose your shit now!!” said my reasonable self.

Taking a deep breath, I got through the self-checkout lane and to my parked car. Once there, I cried and screamed and didn’t care who heard or saw me. It needed to happen.

I knew Mother’s Day was approaching but I tried not to focus on it. Aware of the void left by the passing of my mother nine months ago, I am just as aware of the many mothers in my life that deserved to be celebrated.

But to be honest, I knew my capacity was limited to be in a celebratory mood on this holiday, so I gave myself grace.  Time with my siblings was important but, time with church family was not. I know the festive environment on this day is a tradition for many churches and deserves its space – but this year it would be without me and my emotions. There are still days that those three to four months when my mother’s health declined, and she passed seem unreal; like a dream.

Living through this first cycle of holidays and other moments of time comes with unexpected emotions. Even more so with both parents gone. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were major gathering holidays for my family. When my father passed away in 2016, Father’s Day wasn’t too hard because our mom was the connection in his absence. But in living the first year with both parents deceased, the unexpectant tears of sadness and grief feel overwhelming and inexplainable.

As I have said before in other blog posts, I will continue to provide a space for the pain and emotions I feel around grief. And I continue to believe in my heart, grief we bear is the evidence that love existed, and remains.