Navigating Disappointments

What a whirlwind!

I expected to be on my first international flight to Africa.

I was prepared with a neck pillow and blanket to keep me comfortable during the long flight.

I was excited to place my feet on the ground of the continent of my ancestors. I was filled with anticipation to experience what I had seen in videos, a crowd of people welcoming us in song and dance as we exited the plane.

I felt connected to the land by the rhythm and beat which lived inside of me. The music! Yes! I looked forward to it.

The preparation for this trip was intense. For protection, I received five vaccinations, and was armed with one to take daily while there. The everyday conveniences of electricity, internet, and phone service were not guaranteed. I could only drink water given to me by our hosts, and learned a new way to shower. I also prepared my emotions to be absent from my mother’s 90th birthday celebration and my 10 year wedding anniversary that included a trip to a secluded cabin with my husband.

Forty-eight hours prior to leaving, we learned sad news of the passing of the wife of a beloved retired episcopal leader in the country. This was the host family for our trip. It was sad.  Many knew the woman. I knew her son and felt sorrow as I knew what it is like to lose a parent.

This event changed our travel plans and the trip was postponed.

My emotions were scattered. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was anxious, grateful, happy, sad, stunned, humbled, open, curious, and more. Eventually I grieved. Now what?

Although many of my family and friends have understood my emotional state when I shared about the cancellation, their words fell short of comforting.

“Guess it wasn’t meant to be,” “I’m glad you didn’t go,” and “God Knows best,” were all responses I heard after I shared that the trip was off. Some of the responses were reminiscent of what I had heard at my father’s funeral as I stood near his casket. “God knows best,” is not a practical response to someone who is grieving.

Now that my trip was off, I felt the push to show exuberant joy because now I could celebrate my mother’s birthday and my marriage. The excitement did not come quickly.

The only thing I knew to do was honor the emotions as they came. I cried, drank too much wine, isolated myself, and talked to my therapist. It may not look like a big deal, but it was.

This disappointment made me ask, “What does God have up his sleeve with the postponement of this trip?” In true fashion, God responded by reminding me that He was God. That’s it.

I began to give thanks.  That’s what I know to do in times like these. I was thankful I could celebrate my Mom’s big day with family with all of her children present. I was also thankful to celebrate with my husband our 10-year wedding anniversary with a wonderful dinner. I was thankful for a therapist to call to help me navigate the disappointment. I was thankful to be available to family when my mom got sick and needed hospital care. I was thankful for a time of sharing with my travel mates our collective sense of loss and find space to heal.

I’ve had disappointments in life. Yet this one really challenged me with a myriad of emotions. Yet I learned to honor the emotions by feeling them. Not acknowledging these emotions is not honoring the human spirit inside of us. When we face and work through the feelings, then we can move forward to what God has next for us.