Grateful
Have you ever considered what happens when we decide to give thanks to God when we are going through a hard time? Have you ever been aware of what happens when we find something to be thankful for?
My awareness came during sixteen months of darkness.
It began in May of 2016 with my Dad’s diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. It was devastating news. In my heart, I didn’t think he would survive chemotherapy or radiation treatment. My Dad began treatment that Summer.
In late July, I had major surgery that came with a recovery time of 4-6 weeks. Within days of recovery, my Dad suffered a heart attack. I thought he was going to die. I convinced my husband to drive me almost two hours to be with my family. The stress I put on my body while recovering resulted in three days of complete bed rest.
In October of 2016, my father died from the effects of cancer treatment. In November, my brother was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and began aggressive treatment.
Ten months after my father died, my father in law passed away.
In the background of these major events was normal everyday drama. My husband faced challenges as the first African American lead pastor of an all-white, affluent congregation. Our daughter, who was a young mother, struggled with mental illness and trouble with the law. My husband poured energy into his family in South Carolina as they felt the void from the loss of their patriarch. On top of that, we moved. I packed up our home while my husband was on a ten-day mission trip for the church.
The death of a parent and moving rank in the top five grief moments that humans experience.
The result of it all made me feel angry, sad and alone.
I felt alone because I felt my husband gave to everyone and everything else but me. I was not able to see that he was dealing with his own grief in his own way.
My emotions in this season were all over the place. I was angry with the itinerate system of The United Methodist Church. I regretted that I had left my home in Cincinnati to serve an appointment that seemed to like saying they had an African American Pastor, but wasn’t ready to be led by him.
I was sad because I missed my family and Dad. I felt I had no one with whom to share these emotions. I only felt safe sharing with my husband, and he was not available. I thought no one wanted to be around or talk to someone who is sad all the time. I never reached out to friends, and I could have. I should have.
I was a mess. I thought, “Where are you God?????”
There were weeks I didn’t know how to pray, and I am a praying woman. My routine for many years has been to have time with God before anything I do each day. Now, I couldn’t feel him or talk to Him.
One day, I decided to push myself. I knew God was available, but I didn’t know how to approach Him. I whispered, “Thank you.” That was all I could get out.
The next day, I played a familiar gospel song and tears rolled down my face. I felt the Holy Spirit move in me. The following days, I wrote in my journal a list of what to give God thanks for. As my lists grew, a bright light shone in my darkness and reminded me of who God was in my life.
I thanked God for:
A husband who loved me and was passionate about the Word of God.
Great memories of a father who was always a part of my life.
People who prayed for me when I didn’t know it.
The foundation built in me to go to a song, scripture or prayer to call on God when I need to.
The United Methodist Church that raised me and remains a part of me.
This list went on. I allowed it to grow and in doing so it crowded out the darkness.
Giving thanks and praise is what God wants us to do and he is always present through the good and bad.
When we give thanks to God, he brings light into our space to remind us of where and how far he has brought us.
As I write this, we have just embarked on the year 2021 and COVID-19 is still taking lives. Like you, this has been a hard year for me. Not seeing family, living in fear of contracting the virus and dying, the death of my mother-in-law and many other events, all have been heavy to bear. Yet, I won’t let Satan win! Each day, I give thanks to God for something, no matter how small it may seem.
God is our light and he is at the door in our bleak times asking to come in.
This was originally written in January 2021